11-8-12

There were some things i established at the beginning of this blog that i wouldn't discuss because i don't feel that they are relevant to what my life is like now. That's actually false; of course they're relevant. they shaped who i am today and still affect me. I will still not discuss those here because i don't feel that it would be conducive to what i want to accomplish. although, i'm not too sure about what that is yet, either. I suppose i just didn't want to dwell on them. I tend to do that sometimes, and I feel pretty awful when i do; a lot like i'm feeling right now.

I talk about what i'm doing on this blog. eating, exercising, but not really what i'm thinking or feeling. i don't like talking about myself. it sucks and it's not something i have ever really done before. but i reasoned at the beginning that maybe if i try to do that, then i would feel better. I'm not sure if it's working yet. In the spirit of trying, and taking a little inspiration from my heroes, i want to let you, if you find yourself reading this, into my brain a little. I think that through my brain, it will, if nothing, tell you a little bit more about me. I hope that maybe by helping you understand me, then maybe it will help me understand me.


Imagine that you are in grade school again. You're in class, and the teacher is going through her lesson. Something she says reminds you of something you read about, or maybe it makes you think of some strange word. You explore what it means, where you would find it, how it could be applied, what you would do if you found it, or whose life you could save with it. you're suddenly a hero, or a wizard, or a villain, or a monster, you're in a strange place, or you're being chased, or rocketing to another planet.

Just as suddenly, it's fifteen minutes later, the last letter you scrawled in your notebook looks like a graphite slug trail and you have no idea what the teacher is talking about as she erases the board. You missed the example again. You don't raise your hand because you don't want the attention. you don't want people to look at you or whisper or the teacher to scoff and tell you "you should've been paying attention" again.

You miss the example, make a D on the test, and try not to worry about it. You go home and do homework, or read, or whatever to distract you from having to try to pay attention to anything because it's so hard to do. This goes on every day you're in school or in college. you scrape by, taking as few steps outside the lines as possible, because you're afraid you'll screw up or will lose interest again and drift listlessly back into some other world because whatever's going on right then just doesn't compare to what you experience in your head.

That might sound normal for someone still in school and not out in 'real life'. But now you're 25 and you haven't changed at all.

As a result, life becomes this haze of am-i-here-or-there, on a fast-forward track to a destination you neither know nor care about. you don't understand what it means to focus on something for more than a few minutes; you just drift off again because reality just blows. you can't focus long enough to get anything really done; you don't learn how to get into a good major because the math scares you. you never finish any fiction you've tried because getting from point A to point B in the plot is so easy in your head and impossible on paper, so why bother? it's not like anyone will read it. you're mediocre at best because you cant focus long enough to actually practice your writing.

Through the series of unfinished attempts and and wasted time you call a life, your only permanent possession is an ever-present feeling of worthlessness. You hate what you're doing for a living, but you can't do anything else. you live weekend to weekend, losing yourself in movies and cartoons and the internet; you haven't been able to focus long enough to finish reading a book in years.you feel trapped and empty. you're 25 with absolutely no evidence, other than your material possessions, that you were even alive. that you ever really did anything.

and still you just day dream. drift out of reality and into something else, and something else, and something else, and something else, just staring dead-eyed while everything is stuck in your brain. you can't articulate it well enough to share; you'd rather just not say anything, anyway, it's probably not worth saying. and you just drift on. why even be?

That's what my brain is like. It's a haze of one daydream after another  it's so difficult to focus. i'm utterly shocked that I've been able to stick with the exercise that i have thus far. it just became ritual, i guess. I'm followed daily by a cloud of nothing and a shade of worthlessness. it hurts to talk about. I feel pathetic and silly just putting this down here. I'm not looking for pity or sympathy, i really hate, HATE, to be one of those people.  i hate attention.

But that's what it's like to be me. as best as i can describe it, anyway. I don't know where i'm going, i'm really very lost. I'm not doing anyone any favors here. i'm sorry if this really wasn't worth your time.

i hope one day i can change. I just don't know.

10-24-12

i will now break my internet silence!

not a bad few weeks, i'm feeling really good. consistently weighing in now between 243 and 239, my goal is to be 235 by thanksgiving. it's been all about my diet, i believe; lots of tuna and chicken, more greens (loving kale) tried to cut out potatoes and beans. carbs are still a struggle, but i've finally given in to tracking my calories, and it's done me good.

ive made a huge batch of this stuff:

http://greenlitebites.com/2012/10/11/kale-turkey-black-bean-taco-filling/

eating it on carb-light tortillas and whole grain bread. not bad at all, particularly with whole grain brown rice. i've been eating more canned fish, and this has worked out pretty well:

http://www.buythecase.net/product/57992/McCormick_Recipe_Inspirations_Asian_Sesame_Salmon/?CAWELAID=1500584131&catargetid=1601584122&cagpspn=pla&gclid=CMOywI-_nbMCFQOf4AodPC8AWA

sorry for the long url! anyway, mix 2 cans of salmon, the above spices, 2 tsb honey, a splash of soy, some kale, some cucumbers, onions, and 2 tsb of light mayo. and a bit of sesame oil, if you want. sesame salmon salad! not too bad, if i do say so myself.

activity level has increased too, with positive results- and i dont feel like utter shit, either. Upped my running to four times a week, down to two zumba classes a week, but i'm mixing up my weight regimen with bicep curls, calf raises, tricep kicks, pushups, that kind of thing. the last few days i've felt light, alert, not bad at all.

might also be the consistent coffee i've had in the morning  i'm downing at least two cups, not just to wake me up, but i like to think that the articles touting its health benefits are more true than the others (although i haven't heard anything bad about coffee lately)... COFFEE!

anyhow, i just want to say i can feel myself getting a lot better. and it's made me believe a little more i can do it. i can make 235, then 220, and keep it that way.

This Friday, im getting my first tattoo. on my upper left arm, i'm getting a stylized spider emblazoned on my skin. it all goes back to The Hobbit, my favorite book of all time. In the book, in the deepest, darkest part of Murkwood forest, his friends are attacked by gigantic spiders. It's here, at this scene, that Bilbo stands, sword in hand, and is brave. he saves his friends against the spiders. that scene has stuck with me since i read it as a kid. Spiders were suddenly much less frightening. to me, they became a symbol of bravery, of fear overcome. i want to be able to see it om my arm every day and remember what i can overcome.

and that's where i'm at right now :)

10-9-12

Well, good evening!

First post in a while, but I've got news. As of yesterday, I'm weighing in at under 240 pounds. Holy fuck, I didn't honestly know I could do it. You hear lots of praise and encouragement, and it's all well and good and makes you feel well and good, but it's nothing compared to actually physically seeing the results. There's some relief felt, but at this point, it's more that the race just got started. I can't stop what I'm doing now, I'm seeing the results, so I gotta stick to it. That's the game plan, we're going to see how it goes.

The big thing is diet at the moment. I've started really paying attention to what I put in my lunch bag, and have been throwing together more veggies and unprocessed foods. It feels really good to know that I'm solely in control of what I'm eating. It's like I get to make art and enjoy it all the time, not just to let other people experience it. Not that I dislike cooking for others, of course.

Today was an experiment. No meat at all, my first real vegetarian day. Breakfast was a shake and coffee, lunch was a cucumber cream cheese sandwich & an apple, dinner was a monstrous stir fry with sweet potato, onion, asparagus, spinach, water chestnuts, zucchini, corn, broccoli, pepper and garlic, with sesame oil and low sodium soy sauce. Ht damn. It feels a little like roller skating for the first time.

Chris has started joining me at the gym. I don't make him do anything, and he's still feeling it out and getting into it. But it's good to have him there to talk to and exchange spots. He used to be on the football team in high school, and showed me a few things he retained, namely the nose-busters and triceps  stuff, something I need to work on.

Big news to me: I can do three full sets of bench presses at 145. Another step towards the 200lb goal. It's almost there. almost there.  Next goal after that is an unassisted chin-up. It's a slow process, and I've had to make a lot of it on my own, just reading,t asking and trying. But it's paying off, and I'm feeling good.

I still don't know where I'm going, but I know where I am, so there's that at least.

10-2-12

Evening, everybody!

Not doing too bad this last week. missed a Zumba class last night due to unforseen circumstances, but tonight i managed to wrangle a friend to do some weight training with me. He's a good friend, but our schedules conflicted for a long time, so i didnt get to hang out with him too much. Recently he got a standard 9-5 gig like me, so i'm hoping to have a gym buddy again (Sam's always great but she's usually teaching ;))

The better news is that i weighed in tonight under 245, even after eating. i feel a little victory. i know it can shoot back up if i'm not careful, so i've gotta start packing and planning meals carefully now. i'm going to try to run more, too, most likely. Sam has me on a '20 til 30' challenge; 30 jumping jacks yesterday, 30 squats today; 30 a day of something until she turns 30 in 18 days. it's fun, i've never done an exercise challenge before. we'll see how this goes!

I'm considering trying pescatarianism in November. I want to keep saying vegetarian, but i'm not ruling out eggs and fish. I think vegans came up with that word so they dont have to use too many syllables. i want to give it a shot, any way, do something new. i think i can survive on fruit and cucumbers for a while. and i've learned to love the sweet pertater. PERTADERS!!! I think it will at least be interesting, we'll see how october goes. no hurt in trying, right?

here's hoping.

9-27-12

I wanna talk about bravery and cowardice.

My dad was, once upon a time, a depressive alcoholic. No need to get into details here, but I was left with a lot of bottled up feelings. In my head, injustice is quickly met with extreme violence. I struggle not to daydream of terrible, ugly, violent things, because it makes me feel like i could do those things out of revenge or indignity. It's awful because i know that's not who i am. I know, logically, violence doesn't solve anything, it never has.

So you can imagine how i felt today when someone decided to post the group FitBloggin' picture and insult them on their own blog. A silly troll, and nothing more, but i just wanted to see their head squished. Initially, anyway. I took a breath, checked out my twitter feed, and remembered the network of support i'd just fallen into this past weekend.

I know what a coward does. A coward needs someone else to validate them. A coward hurts someone by standing faceless in a crowd while standing up for nothing of their own.

I'm not a coward. And since the coward in question was too much of a sackless turd to post them, allow me to do the honor:

This is me working out. I'm doing some jump thing, and let me tell you, it hurt like fuck.

And i look like complete shit doing it, too. I look like a huffing, sweating pig, but there i am, rubbing my fat balls in pain's face. (not really, i wanted to fall over and vomit)

My abs are weak as hell under the fat, and i know it. but i kept going. No regrets.

There you go, Internet. Me at my ugliest, at my weakest. if you're too scared to get up and do it yourself, don't bother mentioning it. I'm improving myself, and i've nothing to prove to anyone. I'm doing this for me and nobody else. 

I talk tall, but i'm nothing compared to those not in the picture. the other men and women i met worked twice, thrice even, as hard as i did, and were far more brave than what i could muster. In them i find more bravery, honesty, and sheer will than i've ever seen in my life. and through it all, they were nothing but supportive. They understood, they sympathized with everyone, they listened and offered a hand. that's what brave people do. they stand up and offer a hand, not snicker behind screens. They've nothing to be afraid of, and neither do i.

So when you point and laugh or worse, i'm not going to throw insults or punches. I'm going to endure. that's what bravery is, at it's very core, is endurance above all else. Inspired by my friends and family, i'll endure. Because in the end, i'll be remembered for what I did and what I inspired, and they'll always just be assholes.

Thanks, Eddie.

9-24-12

First post in a week, first post since FitBloggin '12.

It was my first go, and holy ass, i had a blast. I met a bunch of absolutely amazing people, and never once did i feel out of place. I was greeted with open arms and friendly smiles, and i haven't felt so welcome by strangers in so very, very long. there were many talks, lots of sharing, and I genuinely feel better about where i'm headed fitness-wise than i ever have. there's a network of support just waiting to be tapped into. Soon, i will link to as many of the awesome people i met.

I was introduced to some new workouts including Crossfit, and it just so happens one opened up in town, so i think me and Sam are going to try this weekend. I'm not so sure about the trampolines, but we'll see.

Here are just some of the memories.

Opening night, didn't know a single soul, soon to change!

The shirt!

Sammie, the best friend, right after the Crossfit.

The esteemed MrsFatass, looking fabulous even when she's simply drinking water.

Lunch that day. the crowd got bigger than this, if you can imagine.

MrsFatass leading teh Zumba masses on Saturday with Sam's brilliant assistance! They were kick-fuckin'-ass.

The whole Zumba crowd

She's not as much of a dictator as she looks, i promise.

My favorite picture of this roll. They can whip a crowd like champs!

I'm sorry that i did not have my camera on me often enough to get pictures with some of the great people i met; i'm still kind of shy, i guess. I was usually the one taking the pictures. there's next year, though, and I'm already signed up. Count me in forever!

9-16-12

First post since Tuesday, oops!

Not much to report since then, though. Zumba toning was canceled on Wednesday, regular workout Thursday, Friday I ate what I wanted, which brings me to my subject.

Should I feel guilty for what I eat? If I eat something 'bad', should I regret it, or just do what I can to work it off?

What I really find myself doing sometimes is feeling guilty long before I even eat/drink whatever it is that's bad for me. Guilt is a mental lesson to not do what made you feel guilty in the future, right? Then why doesn't it work? Even if I know I'm gonna feel guilty, I do it anyway. This isn't a daily occurrence, just once in a while I eat bad stuff without the veggies. If I feel guilty for it, where is the guilt going to stop? Will I feel guilty for everything i'm doing or not doing? I can't live that way, that's awful.

I've decided not to worry about guilt. I'll eat something like breakfast this morning (chicken, egg, and cheese biscuit, hash browns, bigass sweet tea) because lunch is nothing but beans and veggies, and I'm working out for an hour and a half this afternoon. Clinging to guilt is just going to make myself feel worse for how unhealthy I am, rather than how good I feel about my healthy behaviors.

Focus on the positive reinforcement garnered from exercise accomplishment and weight loss instead of the guilt and self-pity from poorer health choices. I'm going to have to, or I'm not going to get down to a decent weight.

9-11-12

Wow, i'm finally getting tired.

Today was interesting. after work anyway. Work was shit, but i zoomed home and went right to the gym. Had a normal workout, with a bit more weight added to my benches. I went home, got dinner pre-prepared, and went to the track at around 7:30. I agreed to meet my friend and have a bit of a jog. she was a bit late, but in that time i walked a mile and a half, just listening to music. It was at dusk, getting nice and dark, the air was utterly perfect. it was immensely pleasant. My friend got there a little after 8, so we ran for another mile and a half or so, so i did at least two miles on top of my normal work out. little extra sore, but other wise no worse for the wear (not right now anyway). Dinner was turkey burgers, slightly burned, and baked zucchini slices, also slightly burned.

I weighed in at 245. i'm sure it's a lot of just water weight or whatever, but i feel light as a feather.

245lb feather, but whatever. I feel good., and that's what matters.

9-9-12

Happy Sunday. Big news is that I weigh 249. I feel 249.

Workout is later today, probably 30 min of Zumba for cardio, then the weights. Sunday's I can time it and do it that way as opposed to 30 on the treadmill, which gets boring. It'll be better on my calf room, which has been hurting since yesterday for reasons unknown.

Dinner on Friday was a lot of fun. My aunt and uncle visited, so we took them to a local seafood place. We sat at the oyster bar and between me, my dad, and uncle, ate a peck and a half of steamed oysters with horseradish. I avoided dipping them in butter. Had broiled flounder and crab stuffing along with it, good stuff.  Broke and had a coke with dinner. Better than beer though, right? Rice and potatoe on the side, only ate half of each.

Saturday I was totally uncreative, Had chicken flavored rice from a bag, and frozen egg rolls. Dinner was great!! Turkey burgers a la Sam. Ground turkey, sme Parmesan cheese, and hot sauce. Mix, make into patties. Made mine on a wheat bun with avocado, cheddar, Gouda, and a little mustard n ketchup. Brilliant, brilliant dinner, gonna recreate it some time this week.

Lunch today was jodhpurs lentils with chicken and rice. Got the lentils in a bag, not a whole lot to it. Made sure to make enough for lunch today and tomorrow.

Finally got the vegan strawberry shakeology. Something other than chocolate for breakfast, hooray!!!

Anyway, football and then workout. Go Pats!

9-6-12

Just a quick one today since i haven't put one in since Monday.

I'm consistently weighing 1-4 pounds under 250 now, today before i hit the gym i was at 248.4.

I say hit, it was more of a graze. 20 on the treadmill, and my regular bench presses, then home. I felt just fucking terrible. last night was football season kickoff game, and celebration included pizza and wings. Regrets, regrets all around.

Lunch was spicy tuna, an apple, some snap pea crisps, and a bit o chocolate. Dinner was soup from Monday. Tomorrow will probably be a repeat. I feel bloated and gassy, like a really bitchy balloon.

Anyway, i've got some pictures to upload tonight.

Monday's Stew. Okra, corn, leek, onion, green pepper, carrots, lima beans, baked beans, fat hunk of meatloaf, can of tomato paste, some salt, pepper, garlic, cumin, and curry, cook for an hour. came out good. my tongue is still healing from where i burned it, though.

This is the sauce i used on the tuna steaks last Saturday. good stuff.

Saturday's breakfast. fuck yeah.

BONUS: Me from about two years ago. this shot was taken by a friend, who's a fantastic photographer, at a Denny's after an 8 hour shift at Starbucks. as vain as it sounds, this is my favorite picture of me. Next time i promise an actual body shot. No use hiding now, right?

DOUBLE BONUS: Senior high school me. HA.

guess how much i weighed then.

9-2-12

Sunday, workout day, double duty. Took an hour of zumba (badly, i felt like ass) 20 min treadmill, and my normal weight training. well, i say training, i don't know what it is except 'moving hunks of metal because it hurts.'

Zumba was in a studio i hadnt been in before, and it was smaller, not too bad, but it was hot as fuck. this is eastern NC, it gets swampy this time of year, and it was stuffy in hte studio. we had a giant fan, and it didn't help too much. Oh well, got an hour of cardio in either way. My friend taught, so it was worth it.

We went to teh gym afterwards, where she taught anotehr hour and i played in the weight room. this is my normal routine with the weights:

Bench press - 3 sets of 10 reps
Currently lifting 135lbs

leg press - 3 sets of 10 reps
currently lifting 280lbs

hammer curl - 3 sets of 10 reps (per arm)
currently lifting 30lbs

back press (i think- some machine thing, i lift by leaning back) 3 sets of 10 reps
currently lifting 95lbs

ab exercise (sometimes straight sit ups, sometimes the hanging lift-your-legs move) 3 sets of 8 reps

Lat pulls* - 3 sets of 10 reps
currently lifting: 110lbs

Assisted Chin ups* - 3 sets of 5
Assisted by 170lbs

*sometimes do these interchangeably, and all of this is after 20 min jog/walk on the treadmill

did alright today, for the first set of benches, i slapped 10 extra pounds on, and didn't almost kill myself.

i forgot to weigh myself and take a picture of the sauce from yesterday. i'll try to remember.

dinner was chicken marinara, couscous and mashed taters. pretty damn good. also chocolate cake. I did not cook, that was all my friends. although it makes me wanna try making couscous for my own. maybe some garlic, some basil, chickpeas, somethin like that.

9-1-12

Didn't work out today, or yesterday. Fridays and Saturdays are designated off days. Mental health and all that. They usually involve having a shower, a cup of coffee, and watching cartoons. And cooking.

Making food is one of my few forms of real meditation. I grill, bake, boil whatever I think sounds good. Since moving into my own place, it's been me making the left overs. Or what came before the left overs. The right unders? What the hell do you call it, anyway? They're left over form the initial meal. Theres no good word for that. Point is, I make all the food unless I eat out, which I try not to do. Probably not hard enough. Three to four times a week is kind of a low estimate I think, it's probably more. Normally lunch or dinner is when I eat out. Last night it was Mexican (another weakness). Favorite restaurant, with some friends I hadn't seen in a while. It was a good occasion, even had some tequila to toast my pregnant friend (she did not have the tequila). Not normally my sort of liquor, I prefer rum or Maker's Mark. Had a huge steak burrito with a generous covering of queso. Hardly healthy, but damned satisfying. Continued my soda-less existence. It's a lot easier than I thought it would be.

Breakfast i dont normally eat out. When i do, it's Starbucks or Sheetz. Usually pretty high in sodium, i know, although Starbucks chicken sausage wrap is okay. Only good places to get coffee round these parts since my favorite grill closed. Morning is normally a Shakeology shake, with frozen fruit, sometimes caramel/peanut butter or whatever. I slurp that down around 8:30, and I stay full til lunch. Lately I've been eating little oat and honey bars, they're okay.

Lunch is almost always leftovers from the rightunders the night before. Yesterday (Friday) was meatloaf (was from the grocery store, I haven't made one myself yet) and brown rice. I love rice.

Today's lunch I can take a little more credit for. Grilled tuna steaks, baked okra, and sweet potato fries. Came out a little dry, but I'm learning. Had a good teriyaki sauce to go with it. Forget the brand, I'll post it later.


I can always really lose my self when I cook. Sometimes i put on a podcast or music to listen to. I'm really digging the Sklar brothers' podcast (Sklarbro Country) and Stuuf You Should Know (from Howstuffworks.com I believe). I try to find recipes that are sort of different, but not a whole lot of brain to it. I love to eat new things, I like to think of myself as an adventurous eater. I think Andrew Zimmern has my dream job. Eat weird stuff, travel the world, get to know people and customs, and tell the camera with a straight face when something tastes like shit. He's an objective reporter is what I'm saying, and I really respect that. And I wanna eat weird shit. 

As evidenced by my love of Mexican, I like to put cumin in almost everything. Cumin, garlic, onions, and a healthy smattering of black pepper. Red I could take or leave, and I'm kind of burned out on bell peppers. They're rather prevalent. Probably due to their realtive cheapness on the shelf.
I've fallen back in love with leeks and asparagus, so I try to throw those in when I can. Tomorrow I may throw a few random leftovers together for a big pot of stew. Don't know how that will work out, so we'll see. I might post what I threw in.

Food talk has made me hungry, and I've no idea what we're gonna do. We'll see.

8-30-2012

I weigh two hundred and fifty pounds.

thereabouts, anyway. I've weighed that much for as long as i can remember. I'm five feet and ten inches tall, and I weigh two hundred and fifty pounds. I'm 25, and my weight is ten times my age.

The most i've ever weighed was 275. I think that was what it was, i can remember 260, too, but it was definitely more than 250 at some point.

I remember once visiting my dad at work when he worked for a parts manufacturer. We were out on the factory floor off-hours, and he showed me a huge scale that was embedded in the floor. it was wide enough for cart loads of parts or raw materials to be weighed and a little digital display in the wall would show the weight. I stepped on it, and looked at my weight, and then my dad did the same. My dad was and still is, an inch or two taller than me, and at the time, as he does now, he weighed less than me. that was probably more than a decade ago. I am shorter and heavier than my dad. He's 53.

My mom has told me that when i was much younger, i was skinny, like my brother. He's always been rail thin. Mom says i was like that once, too, but i started having chronic ear infections, and was given steroids. According to mom, i wouldn't stop eating. after that, i was fat. I really hate that word, but i can't really get around it.

I won't use what i did as a kid as an excuse for my condition at 25. I don't like to use excuses for anything I do. There's no need for me to list how i was bullied or picked on at school, that's not what this blog is for, and the past is gone and done with as far as I'm concerned.

A lot has happened to me in the last year. I graduated college in May of 2011, quit my three-year stint at Starbucks a few months later, and now i work for a bank, and i'm not on my feet very much. This blog isn't for complaining about my job or what goes on there or how little activity i get.

Two months ago, I moved out of my parents house, and got a small apartment. I have my own fridge to stock now, so i've tried to make drastic changes to my diet. My weakness is definitely sandwiches, Mexican food, and cheeseburgers. God, i love cheeseburgers.

One of my weaknesses used to be soda. Pop, whatever you want to call it. Diet coke, Pepsi Next, Sprite, all delicious. A bottle of brown & fizzy meant everything was okay. It was almost psychosomatically soothing to me. Three weeks ago, i decided to just stop drinking it. For the most part, i've succeeded, and i have maybe one a week, which i never finish. water, tea mixes, and Lipton diet green teas are pretty much what i drink now.

After two weeks of being off soda, i weighed myself. and holy shit, 244 lbs! Progress! I told everyone. Hooray! Hip Fuckin Hooray!

three days later i weighed myself again.

Two Hundred and Fifty. Fuck.

That was when my friend told me the human body weight can fluctuate up to 5 pounds over the course of a day. Double fuck. I am still pretty embarrassed. I feel terrible about it.

I should mention my friend here. She's possibly one of the most amazing people ever. She's had her fair share of problems and set backs, but i'm never not amazed at her ability to press on. She suffers from an endocrine disorder, and weighs 300 pounds. That's down more than 190 from what she was a few years ago.

She took up Zumba, and now teaches that, Hip Hop Hustle, and a few other things. She's just a world of inspiration. She inspired this blog, in fact, because she's so diligent about updating and writing her own. It's something i wish i could pick up, like her dedication and brilliant outlook on pretty much everything.

Out of sheer admiration (and a desire not to be left out of the fun) i started going with her to Zumba. I still do 2-3 days a week. the days I don't work out with her, i go to the gym and lift weights. I don't know a whole lot about what i'm doing, but i can lift more weight now than i could a year or two ago, so that's progress. slow, painful progress. I went just tonight, and my biceps are killing me.

I've tried to do stuff like this before: Tumblr, Twitter, Facebook, a journal, whatever. I used to think i'd like to be a  writer, but in the last few years, i've totally lost the motivation to do so. this is actually the most writing i've done in months. I can't say if feels particularly rewarding or cathartic like it's supposed to be. it kind of just makes my hands hurt.

I quit those other things when i realized what is quite painfully obvious: no one except my immediate circle of friends gives half a shit about what i have to say. I'm not that interesting, funny, witty, nor do i have a lot of experiences or insight to draw on. I'm deathly boring. But my friends love me, and that's what matters.

So instead of writing this all down and expecting anyone to read it, i'm going into this with a different mindset. I don't really mind if anyone reads it, which i guess is why i put it on the internet in the first place. But i don't expect anyone to read or like it. It's not for you, this is for me. Just to see my own words in front of my face.

I'm going to see if i can lose some damn weight in the next year. I just weighed myself, and I'm at 248. we'll see what happens, I guess.