Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Talking is Hard

My last entry was the start of a pretty dark little period. Depression hit me harder than it ever has, and i couldn't really deny it any more, i had to acknowledge it. It sucked. It sucked really, really bad. There were moments of desperately trying not to cry at my desk during a normal workday. There were times i lied to my mother about how I was feeling. I moved at a snail's pace towards finding someone to talk to. I finally did, and i'm still, quite slowly, working on the issue. Talking to the doctor was absolutely the hardest thing i've ever done. every little piece of me screamed that i was doing the wrong thing and i was making things harder or jsut being plain stupid. But i've told only a single other person about what goes on in my brain (and the kind people who take a minute to look at my blog. Thank you, who ever you might be).

It will probably not surprise anyone that my little brother and father are both currently medicated for depression and axiety. i realized that i owed it to my little brotehr, and mother, and my friends to try and seek help. And it was hard as shit. It was so ahrd to talk about myself. It's something i hate immensely. Part of the reason i took so long to get back to this blog. (That and password recovery from Google is a bitch and a half).

But, i'm kind of mostly on the way to maybe a solution. I don't know what that is yet. I'm still working out. I havent lost much weight. I'm trying to run again. I have a friend who loves to run with me, so there's good times there. I'm trying to put the effort back into eating right, so i'm getting there. I like greek yogurt and oranges again. yay!

I'm going to try some new things. I'm going to try and do a podcast. I'm going to try and finish my sci-fi story. and i'm going to try to read more. we'll see how it goes.

And thanks again for reading. i appreciate it.

Thursday, November 8, 2012


There were some things i established at the beginning of this blog that i wouldn't discuss because i don't feel that they are relevant to what my life is like now. That's actually false; of course they're relevant. they shaped who i am today and still affect me. I will still not discuss those here because i don't feel that it would be conducive to what i want to accomplish. although, i'm not too sure about what that is yet, either. I suppose i just didn't want to dwell on them. I tend to do that sometimes, and I feel pretty awful when i do; a lot like i'm feeling right now.

I talk about what i'm doing on this blog. eating, exercising, but not really what i'm thinking or feeling. i don't like talking about myself. it sucks and it's not something i have ever really done before. but i reasoned at the beginning that maybe if i try to do that, then i would feel better. I'm not sure if it's working yet. In the spirit of trying, and taking a little inspiration from my heroes, i want to let you, if you find yourself reading this, into my brain a little. I think that through my brain, it will, if nothing, tell you a little bit more about me. I hope that maybe by helping you understand me, then maybe it will help me understand me.

Imagine that you are in grade school again. You're in class, and the teacher is going through her lesson. Something she says reminds you of something you read about, or maybe it makes you think of some strange word. You explore what it means, where you would find it, how it could be applied, what you would do if you found it, or whose life you could save with it. you're suddenly a hero, or a wizard, or a villain, or a monster, you're in a strange place, or you're being chased, or rocketing to another planet.

Just as suddenly, it's fifteen minutes later, the last letter you scrawled in your notebook looks like a graphite slug trail and you have no idea what the teacher is talking about as she erases the board. You missed the example again. You don't raise your hand because you don't want the attention. you don't want people to look at you or whisper or the teacher to scoff and tell you "you should've been paying attention" again.

You miss the example, make a D on the test, and try not to worry about it. You go home and do homework, or read, or whatever to distract you from having to try to pay attention to anything because it's so hard to do. This goes on every day you're in school or in college. you scrape by, taking as few steps outside the lines as possible, because you're afraid you'll screw up or will lose interest again and drift listlessly back into some other world because whatever's going on right then just doesn't compare to what you experience in your head.

That might sound normal for someone still in school and not out in 'real life'. But now you're 25 and you haven't changed at all.

As a result, life becomes this haze of am-i-here-or-there, on a fast-forward track to a destination you neither know nor care about. you don't understand what it means to focus on something for more than a few minutes; you just drift off again because reality just blows. you can't focus long enough to get anything really done; you don't learn how to get into a good major because the math scares you. you never finish any fiction you've tried because getting from point A to point B in the plot is so easy in your head and impossible on paper, so why bother? it's not like anyone will read it. you're mediocre at best because you cant focus long enough to actually practice your writing.

Through the series of unfinished attempts and and wasted time you call a life, your only permanent possession is an ever-present feeling of worthlessness. You hate what you're doing for a living, but you can't do anything else. you live weekend to weekend, losing yourself in movies and cartoons and the internet; you haven't been able to focus long enough to finish reading a book in years.you feel trapped and empty. you're 25 with absolutely no evidence, other than your material possessions, that you were even alive. that you ever really did anything.

and still you just day dream. drift out of reality and into something else, and something else, and something else, and something else, just staring dead-eyed while everything is stuck in your brain. you can't articulate it well enough to share; you'd rather just not say anything, anyway, it's probably not worth saying. and you just drift on. why even be?

That's what my brain is like. It's a haze of one daydream after another  it's so difficult to focus. i'm utterly shocked that I've been able to stick with the exercise that i have thus far. it just became ritual, i guess. I'm followed daily by a cloud of nothing and a shade of worthlessness. it hurts to talk about. I feel pathetic and silly just putting this down here. I'm not looking for pity or sympathy, i really hate, HATE, to be one of those people.  i hate attention.

But that's what it's like to be me. as best as i can describe it, anyway. I don't know where i'm going, i'm really very lost. I'm not doing anyone any favors here. i'm sorry if this really wasn't worth your time.

i hope one day i can change. I just don't know.

Thursday, October 25, 2012


i will now break my internet silence!

not a bad few weeks, i'm feeling really good. consistently weighing in now between 243 and 239, my goal is to be 235 by thanksgiving. it's been all about my diet, i believe; lots of tuna and chicken, more greens (loving kale) tried to cut out potatoes and beans. carbs are still a struggle, but i've finally given in to tracking my calories, and it's done me good.

ive made a huge batch of this stuff:


eating it on carb-light tortillas and whole grain bread. not bad at all, particularly with whole grain brown rice. i've been eating more canned fish, and this has worked out pretty well:


sorry for the long url! anyway, mix 2 cans of salmon, the above spices, 2 tsb honey, a splash of soy, some kale, some cucumbers, onions, and 2 tsb of light mayo. and a bit of sesame oil, if you want. sesame salmon salad! not too bad, if i do say so myself.

activity level has increased too, with positive results- and i dont feel like utter shit, either. Upped my running to four times a week, down to two zumba classes a week, but i'm mixing up my weight regimen with bicep curls, calf raises, tricep kicks, pushups, that kind of thing. the last few days i've felt light, alert, not bad at all.

might also be the consistent coffee i've had in the morning  i'm downing at least two cups, not just to wake me up, but i like to think that the articles touting its health benefits are more true than the others (although i haven't heard anything bad about coffee lately)... COFFEE!

anyhow, i just want to say i can feel myself getting a lot better. and it's made me believe a little more i can do it. i can make 235, then 220, and keep it that way.

This Friday, im getting my first tattoo. on my upper left arm, i'm getting a stylized spider emblazoned on my skin. it all goes back to The Hobbit, my favorite book of all time. In the book, in the deepest, darkest part of Murkwood forest, his friends are attacked by gigantic spiders. It's here, at this scene, that Bilbo stands, sword in hand, and is brave. he saves his friends against the spiders. that scene has stuck with me since i read it as a kid. Spiders were suddenly much less frightening. to me, they became a symbol of bravery, of fear overcome. i want to be able to see it om my arm every day and remember what i can overcome.

and that's where i'm at right now :)

Tuesday, October 9, 2012


Well, good evening!

First post in a while, but I've got news. As of yesterday, I'm weighing in at under 240 pounds. Holy fuck, I didn't honestly know I could do it. You hear lots of praise and encouragement, and it's all well and good and makes you feel well and good, but it's nothing compared to actually physically seeing the results. There's some relief felt, but at this point, it's more that the race just got started. I can't stop what I'm doing now, I'm seeing the results, so I gotta stick to it. That's the game plan, we're going to see how it goes.

The big thing is diet at the moment. I've started really paying attention to what I put in my lunch bag, and have been throwing together more veggies and unprocessed foods. It feels really good to know that I'm solely in control of what I'm eating. It's like I get to make art and enjoy it all the time, not just to let other people experience it. Not that I dislike cooking for others, of course.

Today was an experiment. No meat at all, my first real vegetarian day. Breakfast was a shake and coffee, lunch was a cucumber cream cheese sandwich & an apple, dinner was a monstrous stir fry with sweet potato, onion, asparagus, spinach, water chestnuts, zucchini, corn, broccoli, pepper and garlic, with sesame oil and low sodium soy sauce. Ht damn. It feels a little like roller skating for the first time.

Chris has started joining me at the gym. I don't make him do anything, and he's still feeling it out and getting into it. But it's good to have him there to talk to and exchange spots. He used to be on the football team in high school, and showed me a few things he retained, namely the nose-busters and triceps  stuff, something I need to work on.

Big news to me: I can do three full sets of bench presses at 145. Another step towards the 200lb goal. It's almost there. almost there.  Next goal after that is an unassisted chin-up. It's a slow process, and I've had to make a lot of it on my own, just reading,t asking and trying. But it's paying off, and I'm feeling good.

I still don't know where I'm going, but I know where I am, so there's that at least.

Tuesday, October 2, 2012


Evening, everybody!

Not doing too bad this last week. missed a Zumba class last night due to unforseen circumstances, but tonight i managed to wrangle a friend to do some weight training with me. He's a good friend, but our schedules conflicted for a long time, so i didnt get to hang out with him too much. Recently he got a standard 9-5 gig like me, so i'm hoping to have a gym buddy again (Sam's always great but she's usually teaching ;))

The better news is that i weighed in tonight under 245, even after eating. i feel a little victory. i know it can shoot back up if i'm not careful, so i've gotta start packing and planning meals carefully now. i'm going to try to run more, too, most likely. Sam has me on a '20 til 30' challenge; 30 jumping jacks yesterday, 30 squats today; 30 a day of something until she turns 30 in 18 days. it's fun, i've never done an exercise challenge before. we'll see how this goes!

I'm considering trying pescatarianism in November. I want to keep saying vegetarian, but i'm not ruling out eggs and fish. I think vegans came up with that word so they dont have to use too many syllables. i want to give it a shot, any way, do something new. i think i can survive on fruit and cucumbers for a while. and i've learned to love the sweet pertater. PERTADERS!!! I think it will at least be interesting, we'll see how october goes. no hurt in trying, right?

here's hoping.

Thursday, September 27, 2012


I wanna talk about bravery and cowardice.

My dad was, once upon a time, a depressive alcoholic. No need to get into details here, but I was left with a lot of bottled up feelings. In my head, injustice is quickly met with extreme violence. I struggle not to daydream of terrible, ugly, violent things, because it makes me feel like i could do those things out of revenge or indignity. It's awful because i know that's not who i am. I know, logically, violence doesn't solve anything, it never has.

So you can imagine how i felt today when someone decided to post the group FitBloggin' picture and insult them on their own blog. A silly troll, and nothing more, but i just wanted to see their head squished. Initially, anyway. I took a breath, checked out my twitter feed, and remembered the network of support i'd just fallen into this past weekend.

I know what a coward does. A coward needs someone else to validate them. A coward hurts someone by standing faceless in a crowd while standing up for nothing of their own.

I'm not a coward. And since the coward in question was too much of a sackless turd to post them, allow me to do the honor:

This is me working out. I'm doing some jump thing, and let me tell you, it hurt like fuck.

And i look like complete shit doing it, too. I look like a huffing, sweating pig, but there i am, rubbing my fat balls in pain's face. (not really, i wanted to fall over and vomit)

My abs are weak as hell under the fat, and i know it. but i kept going. No regrets.

There you go, Internet. Me at my ugliest, at my weakest. if you're too scared to get up and do it yourself, don't bother mentioning it. I'm improving myself, and i've nothing to prove to anyone. I'm doing this for me and nobody else. 

I talk tall, but i'm nothing compared to those not in the picture. the other men and women i met worked twice, thrice even, as hard as i did, and were far more brave than what i could muster. In them i find more bravery, honesty, and sheer will than i've ever seen in my life. and through it all, they were nothing but supportive. They understood, they sympathized with everyone, they listened and offered a hand. that's what brave people do. they stand up and offer a hand, not snicker behind screens. They've nothing to be afraid of, and neither do i.

So when you point and laugh or worse, i'm not going to throw insults or punches. I'm going to endure. that's what bravery is, at it's very core, is endurance above all else. Inspired by my friends and family, i'll endure. Because in the end, i'll be remembered for what I did and what I inspired, and they'll always just be assholes.

Thanks, Eddie.

Monday, September 24, 2012


First post in a week, first post since FitBloggin '12.

It was my first go, and holy ass, i had a blast. I met a bunch of absolutely amazing people, and never once did i feel out of place. I was greeted with open arms and friendly smiles, and i haven't felt so welcome by strangers in so very, very long. there were many talks, lots of sharing, and I genuinely feel better about where i'm headed fitness-wise than i ever have. there's a network of support just waiting to be tapped into. Soon, i will link to as many of the awesome people i met.

I was introduced to some new workouts including Crossfit, and it just so happens one opened up in town, so i think me and Sam are going to try this weekend. I'm not so sure about the trampolines, but we'll see.

Here are just some of the memories.

Opening night, didn't know a single soul, soon to change!

The shirt!

Sammie, the best friend, right after the Crossfit.

The esteemed MrsFatass, looking fabulous even when she's simply drinking water.

Lunch that day. the crowd got bigger than this, if you can imagine.

MrsFatass leading teh Zumba masses on Saturday with Sam's brilliant assistance! They were kick-fuckin'-ass.

The whole Zumba crowd

She's not as much of a dictator as she looks, i promise.

My favorite picture of this roll. They can whip a crowd like champs!

I'm sorry that i did not have my camera on me often enough to get pictures with some of the great people i met; i'm still kind of shy, i guess. I was usually the one taking the pictures. there's next year, though, and I'm already signed up. Count me in forever!