9-27-12

I wanna talk about bravery and cowardice.

My dad was, once upon a time, a depressive alcoholic. No need to get into details here, but I was left with a lot of bottled up feelings. In my head, injustice is quickly met with extreme violence. I struggle not to daydream of terrible, ugly, violent things, because it makes me feel like i could do those things out of revenge or indignity. It's awful because i know that's not who i am. I know, logically, violence doesn't solve anything, it never has.

So you can imagine how i felt today when someone decided to post the group FitBloggin' picture and insult them on their own blog. A silly troll, and nothing more, but i just wanted to see their head squished. Initially, anyway. I took a breath, checked out my twitter feed, and remembered the network of support i'd just fallen into this past weekend.

I know what a coward does. A coward needs someone else to validate them. A coward hurts someone by standing faceless in a crowd while standing up for nothing of their own.

I'm not a coward. And since the coward in question was too much of a sackless turd to post them, allow me to do the honor:

This is me working out. I'm doing some jump thing, and let me tell you, it hurt like fuck.

And i look like complete shit doing it, too. I look like a huffing, sweating pig, but there i am, rubbing my fat balls in pain's face. (not really, i wanted to fall over and vomit)

My abs are weak as hell under the fat, and i know it. but i kept going. No regrets.

There you go, Internet. Me at my ugliest, at my weakest. if you're too scared to get up and do it yourself, don't bother mentioning it. I'm improving myself, and i've nothing to prove to anyone. I'm doing this for me and nobody else. 

I talk tall, but i'm nothing compared to those not in the picture. the other men and women i met worked twice, thrice even, as hard as i did, and were far more brave than what i could muster. In them i find more bravery, honesty, and sheer will than i've ever seen in my life. and through it all, they were nothing but supportive. They understood, they sympathized with everyone, they listened and offered a hand. that's what brave people do. they stand up and offer a hand, not snicker behind screens. They've nothing to be afraid of, and neither do i.

So when you point and laugh or worse, i'm not going to throw insults or punches. I'm going to endure. that's what bravery is, at it's very core, is endurance above all else. Inspired by my friends and family, i'll endure. Because in the end, i'll be remembered for what I did and what I inspired, and they'll always just be assholes.

Thanks, Eddie.

9-24-12

First post in a week, first post since FitBloggin '12.

It was my first go, and holy ass, i had a blast. I met a bunch of absolutely amazing people, and never once did i feel out of place. I was greeted with open arms and friendly smiles, and i haven't felt so welcome by strangers in so very, very long. there were many talks, lots of sharing, and I genuinely feel better about where i'm headed fitness-wise than i ever have. there's a network of support just waiting to be tapped into. Soon, i will link to as many of the awesome people i met.

I was introduced to some new workouts including Crossfit, and it just so happens one opened up in town, so i think me and Sam are going to try this weekend. I'm not so sure about the trampolines, but we'll see.

Here are just some of the memories.

Opening night, didn't know a single soul, soon to change!

The shirt!

Sammie, the best friend, right after the Crossfit.

The esteemed MrsFatass, looking fabulous even when she's simply drinking water.

Lunch that day. the crowd got bigger than this, if you can imagine.

MrsFatass leading teh Zumba masses on Saturday with Sam's brilliant assistance! They were kick-fuckin'-ass.

The whole Zumba crowd

She's not as much of a dictator as she looks, i promise.

My favorite picture of this roll. They can whip a crowd like champs!

I'm sorry that i did not have my camera on me often enough to get pictures with some of the great people i met; i'm still kind of shy, i guess. I was usually the one taking the pictures. there's next year, though, and I'm already signed up. Count me in forever!

9-16-12

First post since Tuesday, oops!

Not much to report since then, though. Zumba toning was canceled on Wednesday, regular workout Thursday, Friday I ate what I wanted, which brings me to my subject.

Should I feel guilty for what I eat? If I eat something 'bad', should I regret it, or just do what I can to work it off?

What I really find myself doing sometimes is feeling guilty long before I even eat/drink whatever it is that's bad for me. Guilt is a mental lesson to not do what made you feel guilty in the future, right? Then why doesn't it work? Even if I know I'm gonna feel guilty, I do it anyway. This isn't a daily occurrence, just once in a while I eat bad stuff without the veggies. If I feel guilty for it, where is the guilt going to stop? Will I feel guilty for everything i'm doing or not doing? I can't live that way, that's awful.

I've decided not to worry about guilt. I'll eat something like breakfast this morning (chicken, egg, and cheese biscuit, hash browns, bigass sweet tea) because lunch is nothing but beans and veggies, and I'm working out for an hour and a half this afternoon. Clinging to guilt is just going to make myself feel worse for how unhealthy I am, rather than how good I feel about my healthy behaviors.

Focus on the positive reinforcement garnered from exercise accomplishment and weight loss instead of the guilt and self-pity from poorer health choices. I'm going to have to, or I'm not going to get down to a decent weight.

9-11-12

Wow, i'm finally getting tired.

Today was interesting. after work anyway. Work was shit, but i zoomed home and went right to the gym. Had a normal workout, with a bit more weight added to my benches. I went home, got dinner pre-prepared, and went to the track at around 7:30. I agreed to meet my friend and have a bit of a jog. she was a bit late, but in that time i walked a mile and a half, just listening to music. It was at dusk, getting nice and dark, the air was utterly perfect. it was immensely pleasant. My friend got there a little after 8, so we ran for another mile and a half or so, so i did at least two miles on top of my normal work out. little extra sore, but other wise no worse for the wear (not right now anyway). Dinner was turkey burgers, slightly burned, and baked zucchini slices, also slightly burned.

I weighed in at 245. i'm sure it's a lot of just water weight or whatever, but i feel light as a feather.

245lb feather, but whatever. I feel good., and that's what matters.

9-9-12

Happy Sunday. Big news is that I weigh 249. I feel 249.

Workout is later today, probably 30 min of Zumba for cardio, then the weights. Sunday's I can time it and do it that way as opposed to 30 on the treadmill, which gets boring. It'll be better on my calf room, which has been hurting since yesterday for reasons unknown.

Dinner on Friday was a lot of fun. My aunt and uncle visited, so we took them to a local seafood place. We sat at the oyster bar and between me, my dad, and uncle, ate a peck and a half of steamed oysters with horseradish. I avoided dipping them in butter. Had broiled flounder and crab stuffing along with it, good stuff.  Broke and had a coke with dinner. Better than beer though, right? Rice and potatoe on the side, only ate half of each.

Saturday I was totally uncreative, Had chicken flavored rice from a bag, and frozen egg rolls. Dinner was great!! Turkey burgers a la Sam. Ground turkey, sme Parmesan cheese, and hot sauce. Mix, make into patties. Made mine on a wheat bun with avocado, cheddar, Gouda, and a little mustard n ketchup. Brilliant, brilliant dinner, gonna recreate it some time this week.

Lunch today was jodhpurs lentils with chicken and rice. Got the lentils in a bag, not a whole lot to it. Made sure to make enough for lunch today and tomorrow.

Finally got the vegan strawberry shakeology. Something other than chocolate for breakfast, hooray!!!

Anyway, football and then workout. Go Pats!

9-6-12

Just a quick one today since i haven't put one in since Monday.

I'm consistently weighing 1-4 pounds under 250 now, today before i hit the gym i was at 248.4.

I say hit, it was more of a graze. 20 on the treadmill, and my regular bench presses, then home. I felt just fucking terrible. last night was football season kickoff game, and celebration included pizza and wings. Regrets, regrets all around.

Lunch was spicy tuna, an apple, some snap pea crisps, and a bit o chocolate. Dinner was soup from Monday. Tomorrow will probably be a repeat. I feel bloated and gassy, like a really bitchy balloon.

Anyway, i've got some pictures to upload tonight.

Monday's Stew. Okra, corn, leek, onion, green pepper, carrots, lima beans, baked beans, fat hunk of meatloaf, can of tomato paste, some salt, pepper, garlic, cumin, and curry, cook for an hour. came out good. my tongue is still healing from where i burned it, though.

This is the sauce i used on the tuna steaks last Saturday. good stuff.

Saturday's breakfast. fuck yeah.

BONUS: Me from about two years ago. this shot was taken by a friend, who's a fantastic photographer, at a Denny's after an 8 hour shift at Starbucks. as vain as it sounds, this is my favorite picture of me. Next time i promise an actual body shot. No use hiding now, right?

DOUBLE BONUS: Senior high school me. HA.

guess how much i weighed then.

9-2-12

Sunday, workout day, double duty. Took an hour of zumba (badly, i felt like ass) 20 min treadmill, and my normal weight training. well, i say training, i don't know what it is except 'moving hunks of metal because it hurts.'

Zumba was in a studio i hadnt been in before, and it was smaller, not too bad, but it was hot as fuck. this is eastern NC, it gets swampy this time of year, and it was stuffy in hte studio. we had a giant fan, and it didn't help too much. Oh well, got an hour of cardio in either way. My friend taught, so it was worth it.

We went to teh gym afterwards, where she taught anotehr hour and i played in the weight room. this is my normal routine with the weights:

Bench press - 3 sets of 10 reps
Currently lifting 135lbs

leg press - 3 sets of 10 reps
currently lifting 280lbs

hammer curl - 3 sets of 10 reps (per arm)
currently lifting 30lbs

back press (i think- some machine thing, i lift by leaning back) 3 sets of 10 reps
currently lifting 95lbs

ab exercise (sometimes straight sit ups, sometimes the hanging lift-your-legs move) 3 sets of 8 reps

Lat pulls* - 3 sets of 10 reps
currently lifting: 110lbs

Assisted Chin ups* - 3 sets of 5
Assisted by 170lbs

*sometimes do these interchangeably, and all of this is after 20 min jog/walk on the treadmill

did alright today, for the first set of benches, i slapped 10 extra pounds on, and didn't almost kill myself.

i forgot to weigh myself and take a picture of the sauce from yesterday. i'll try to remember.

dinner was chicken marinara, couscous and mashed taters. pretty damn good. also chocolate cake. I did not cook, that was all my friends. although it makes me wanna try making couscous for my own. maybe some garlic, some basil, chickpeas, somethin like that.

9-1-12

Didn't work out today, or yesterday. Fridays and Saturdays are designated off days. Mental health and all that. They usually involve having a shower, a cup of coffee, and watching cartoons. And cooking.

Making food is one of my few forms of real meditation. I grill, bake, boil whatever I think sounds good. Since moving into my own place, it's been me making the left overs. Or what came before the left overs. The right unders? What the hell do you call it, anyway? They're left over form the initial meal. Theres no good word for that. Point is, I make all the food unless I eat out, which I try not to do. Probably not hard enough. Three to four times a week is kind of a low estimate I think, it's probably more. Normally lunch or dinner is when I eat out. Last night it was Mexican (another weakness). Favorite restaurant, with some friends I hadn't seen in a while. It was a good occasion, even had some tequila to toast my pregnant friend (she did not have the tequila). Not normally my sort of liquor, I prefer rum or Maker's Mark. Had a huge steak burrito with a generous covering of queso. Hardly healthy, but damned satisfying. Continued my soda-less existence. It's a lot easier than I thought it would be.

Breakfast i dont normally eat out. When i do, it's Starbucks or Sheetz. Usually pretty high in sodium, i know, although Starbucks chicken sausage wrap is okay. Only good places to get coffee round these parts since my favorite grill closed. Morning is normally a Shakeology shake, with frozen fruit, sometimes caramel/peanut butter or whatever. I slurp that down around 8:30, and I stay full til lunch. Lately I've been eating little oat and honey bars, they're okay.

Lunch is almost always leftovers from the rightunders the night before. Yesterday (Friday) was meatloaf (was from the grocery store, I haven't made one myself yet) and brown rice. I love rice.

Today's lunch I can take a little more credit for. Grilled tuna steaks, baked okra, and sweet potato fries. Came out a little dry, but I'm learning. Had a good teriyaki sauce to go with it. Forget the brand, I'll post it later.


I can always really lose my self when I cook. Sometimes i put on a podcast or music to listen to. I'm really digging the Sklar brothers' podcast (Sklarbro Country) and Stuuf You Should Know (from Howstuffworks.com I believe). I try to find recipes that are sort of different, but not a whole lot of brain to it. I love to eat new things, I like to think of myself as an adventurous eater. I think Andrew Zimmern has my dream job. Eat weird stuff, travel the world, get to know people and customs, and tell the camera with a straight face when something tastes like shit. He's an objective reporter is what I'm saying, and I really respect that. And I wanna eat weird shit. 

As evidenced by my love of Mexican, I like to put cumin in almost everything. Cumin, garlic, onions, and a healthy smattering of black pepper. Red I could take or leave, and I'm kind of burned out on bell peppers. They're rather prevalent. Probably due to their realtive cheapness on the shelf.
I've fallen back in love with leeks and asparagus, so I try to throw those in when I can. Tomorrow I may throw a few random leftovers together for a big pot of stew. Don't know how that will work out, so we'll see. I might post what I threw in.

Food talk has made me hungry, and I've no idea what we're gonna do. We'll see.