Thursday, August 30, 2012


I weigh two hundred and fifty pounds.

thereabouts, anyway. I've weighed that much for as long as i can remember. I'm five feet and ten inches tall, and I weigh two hundred and fifty pounds. I'm 25, and my weight is ten times my age.

The most i've ever weighed was 275. I think that was what it was, i can remember 260, too, but it was definitely more than 250 at some point.

I remember once visiting my dad at work when he worked for a parts manufacturer. We were out on the factory floor off-hours, and he showed me a huge scale that was embedded in the floor. it was wide enough for cart loads of parts or raw materials to be weighed and a little digital display in the wall would show the weight. I stepped on it, and looked at my weight, and then my dad did the same. My dad was and still is, an inch or two taller than me, and at the time, as he does now, he weighed less than me. that was probably more than a decade ago. I am shorter and heavier than my dad. He's 53.

My mom has told me that when i was much younger, i was skinny, like my brother. He's always been rail thin. Mom says i was like that once, too, but i started having chronic ear infections, and was given steroids. According to mom, i wouldn't stop eating. after that, i was fat. I really hate that word, but i can't really get around it.

I won't use what i did as a kid as an excuse for my condition at 25. I don't like to use excuses for anything I do. There's no need for me to list how i was bullied or picked on at school, that's not what this blog is for, and the past is gone and done with as far as I'm concerned.

A lot has happened to me in the last year. I graduated college in May of 2011, quit my three-year stint at Starbucks a few months later, and now i work for a bank, and i'm not on my feet very much. This blog isn't for complaining about my job or what goes on there or how little activity i get.

Two months ago, I moved out of my parents house, and got a small apartment. I have my own fridge to stock now, so i've tried to make drastic changes to my diet. My weakness is definitely sandwiches, Mexican food, and cheeseburgers. God, i love cheeseburgers.

One of my weaknesses used to be soda. Pop, whatever you want to call it. Diet coke, Pepsi Next, Sprite, all delicious. A bottle of brown & fizzy meant everything was okay. It was almost psychosomatically soothing to me. Three weeks ago, i decided to just stop drinking it. For the most part, i've succeeded, and i have maybe one a week, which i never finish. water, tea mixes, and Lipton diet green teas are pretty much what i drink now.

After two weeks of being off soda, i weighed myself. and holy shit, 244 lbs! Progress! I told everyone. Hooray! Hip Fuckin Hooray!

three days later i weighed myself again.

Two Hundred and Fifty. Fuck.

That was when my friend told me the human body weight can fluctuate up to 5 pounds over the course of a day. Double fuck. I am still pretty embarrassed. I feel terrible about it.

I should mention my friend here. She's possibly one of the most amazing people ever. She's had her fair share of problems and set backs, but i'm never not amazed at her ability to press on. She suffers from an endocrine disorder, and weighs 300 pounds. That's down more than 190 from what she was a few years ago.

She took up Zumba, and now teaches that, Hip Hop Hustle, and a few other things. She's just a world of inspiration. She inspired this blog, in fact, because she's so diligent about updating and writing her own. It's something i wish i could pick up, like her dedication and brilliant outlook on pretty much everything.

Out of sheer admiration (and a desire not to be left out of the fun) i started going with her to Zumba. I still do 2-3 days a week. the days I don't work out with her, i go to the gym and lift weights. I don't know a whole lot about what i'm doing, but i can lift more weight now than i could a year or two ago, so that's progress. slow, painful progress. I went just tonight, and my biceps are killing me.

I've tried to do stuff like this before: Tumblr, Twitter, Facebook, a journal, whatever. I used to think i'd like to be a  writer, but in the last few years, i've totally lost the motivation to do so. this is actually the most writing i've done in months. I can't say if feels particularly rewarding or cathartic like it's supposed to be. it kind of just makes my hands hurt.

I quit those other things when i realized what is quite painfully obvious: no one except my immediate circle of friends gives half a shit about what i have to say. I'm not that interesting, funny, witty, nor do i have a lot of experiences or insight to draw on. I'm deathly boring. But my friends love me, and that's what matters.

So instead of writing this all down and expecting anyone to read it, i'm going into this with a different mindset. I don't really mind if anyone reads it, which i guess is why i put it on the internet in the first place. But i don't expect anyone to read or like it. It's not for you, this is for me. Just to see my own words in front of my face.

I'm going to see if i can lose some damn weight in the next year. I just weighed myself, and I'm at 248. we'll see what happens, I guess.